


Dirk Gently's Guide to Getting A Boyfriend

by wildeisms



Series: Dirk Gently's Guide to Relationships [1]
Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: (seriously he's SO oblivious some of this hurt to write), Getting Together, M/M, Mutual Pining, Oblivious Todd, autistic dirk gently, but Dirk sucks at flirting so much who can blame him, oblivious dirk, somewhat slow burn, tbf Todd is also an oblivious nerd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-12
Updated: 2018-07-12
Packaged: 2019-06-09 03:48:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15258759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildeisms/pseuds/wildeisms
Summary: Except now Dirk was faced with a Problem so large it warranted a capital P. A Problem that came from a Realisation, which also needed capitalisation based on its level of importance and severity. He had Realised that he was in love with Todd (and if Todd were not already capitalised, the importance of Todd to him would make it so).





	Dirk Gently's Guide to Getting A Boyfriend

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so I've been on a massive creative block for a while now. Hopefully this has got me out of it and those of you waiting for updates on other fics won't be mad at me or left waiting for much longer. 
> 
> A note on texts: text messages should appear aligned from the right. Dirk's are in italics, the person he's texting is in bold and italics. If this hasn't worked for some reason, please let me know. Also, this is the longest single chapter fic I've ever written so strap yourselves in and please don't expect this as the norm from me because it has taken a billion years to get it done.

Normal could be tricky sometimes. So-called ‘normal life’ was full of complicated things that Dirk couldn’t always put a word to or understand, things made about as much sense to him as the flow of the universe and the hunches it gave him. It wasn’t as if he’d had a chance to experience a full spectrum of human emotions and experiences while locked away in Blackwing, and it didn’t seem to be particularly high on anybody’s priority list to make sure he understood them. If it wasn’t relevant to his supposed psychic-ness, it wasn’t worth mentioning.

The trouble was, now that Dirk was expected to function as an almost ordinary human in the real world, he didn’t really have a clue what he was doing. The first few years had certainly been a series of learning experiences, most of them interesting, some embarrassing and only a few painful. He read books and watched people and threw himself into every opportunity he could, and tried his best to learn everything he should have already known.

There was, however, a field which still remained entirely confusing to him. And that field was relationships. So many of the library books he had read - or tried to read, depending on that day’s attention span - during his stint of between-places-to-stay-ness (which he refused to call homelessness) in which hiding out in a library became an easy and affordable way to avoid the worst of the cold weather - which contained mentions of romance had been overwhelmingly about a type of person he was decidedly not. Namely, normal and heterosexual.

At the time, it hadn’t bothered him too much. He hadn’t exactly had a person with whom he’d want to do relationship-y things with (aside from a small but remarkably erotic experience with a certain Norse God, but given that entire situation was a mess and said Norse God was even less normal than he was, it didn’t really count) so it didn’t matter. The stories were entertaining enough even if he wasn’t gaining any practical insight from them.

Except now Dirk was faced with a Problem so large it warranted a capital P. A Problem that came from a Realisation, which also needed capitalisation based on its level of importance and severity. He had Realised that he was in love with Todd (and if Todd were not already capitalised, the importance of Todd to him would make it so).

‘In love’ was not an emotion he had a lot of experience with. He loved a lot of things - bright colours, the feeling of solving cases, sugary things, fun music, driving, pizza, being free, friendship, every cute dog and cat he had ever seen, warm baths, and more sugary things all featured heavily on the list - but he wasn’t In Love with any of them. At first, he had assumed that loving a person was different to loving a thing. But that wasn’t right either. He loved Farah, he loved Amanda, he loved Tina and he definitely loved Hobbs (and had told him as much). But the way he felt about Todd was different still. He loved all his friends, of course he did, but Todd had a special kind of love, one that he couldn’t imagine himself feeling for any of the others. Perhaps because Todd had been his first proper friend. He was his best friend. That was why Dirk wanted to be around him all the time, to be close to him and look at him and keep him around for as long as the universe would allow. Because Todd really was fantastic, and so beautiful and brave and lovely. Very lovely. Dirk would be content looking at an objectively beautiful man like that for hours. And if sometimes he had inappropriate thoughts about him, well. That happened with every man who had shown Dirk genuine kindness and closeness. True, that list was small and Todd featured in those thoughts more prominently and more frequently than any of the others had ever done, but that was just because he was also his best friend. It made sense.

But then he found himself staring at Todd one rainy morning and the Realisation hit him like a charge from an electric rhino. He didn’t just love Todd. He was in love with Todd. He had somehow slipped over from ‘best friend’ territory into the category of ‘potential boyfriend’ without Dirk noticing the change, unless he had inhabited that category all along and Dirk had simply failed to notice the difference. In his defense, he had never had a best friend before, but still. Stupid Dirk, always being in love with his best friend.

And that was the Problem. He was in love with his best friend, and had no idea how to deal with it.

Now that he had gained that knowledge, it just wouldn’t go away. Every time he looked at Todd or thought about Todd (which was a lot), he remembered that he was in love with him. And quite how he was supposed to function while utterly lovestruck, he had no idea. It had been bad enough when he'd thought he already had the kind of relationship he wanted with Todd, but now? Now, he was _pining_.

Ordinarily, he'd ask Todd whenever an aspect of normal life confused him. But he couldn't very well ask Todd in this situation, that defeated the entire purpose and would be just as potentially disastrous as just outright confessing his complete and utter adoration. A potential plan, but he was fairly certain he could come up with a better one.

His phone buzzed, making him jump and knock over a pot of brightly coloured highlighters he had displayed on his desk. Pink-cheeked, he picked up both his phone and the highlighters and looked down at the screen to discover - of course. Amanda.

She had sent him a photograph of a dog she had apparently seen on her travels - a habit that they had formed shortly after the events in Wendimoor, when they realised that they both shared a mutual love of all things small and fluffy - but for once, Dirk was almost more excited by his own thoughts than their game of dog spotting. Almost. But it was very small and had long, fluffy ears, and Dirk couldn’t help but beam at it.

_CUTE!!!!! ❤️❤️❤️_

**_look at him!!! hes so small he must be protected_ **

**_u cant see in the photo but his tail is wagging so much I love him_ **

_He’s such a good boy!!!!!_

**_the best boy!!_ **

It wasn’t the smoothest segue, but Amanda was cool. She might know something about boys and relationships, and he didn’t even have to tell her who it was he was interested in.

_Also, speaking of boys…_

_How do you tell a boy you might be in love with him??_

_And by might be I mean definitely are._

**_oooooooooh_ **

**_is he cute??_ **

_He's more than cute, he's BEAUTIFUL_

_He’s just perfect, really_

**_gaayyyyyy_ **

_Yes, I am?? I thought you'd worked that out already??_

**_lol yea i worked that out ages ago_ **

**_ur not subtle dude_** **_ive seen u checking out dudes super obviously like five times n i dont even see u that often_**

_I don't do that!!_

He definitely did do that, although he liked to think he was at least somewhat subtle.

**_yea u do_ **

**_trust me its not gonna a surprise to anyone_ **

_Are you sure??_

**_yea_ **

**_except maybe todd bc hes a dumbass lol_ **

_Rude_

**_tru tho_ **

**_and jsyk it doesnt matter if ppl arent surprised_ **

**_me n the guys wont let anyone give u shit ok_ **

**_id kick anyones ass for u_ **

**_id kick his ass. id kick his moms ass. id kick my own ass if i have to_ **

_My hero_

**_u need it lol martin said u cant punch for shit_ **

_I could learn!!_

**_lol_ **

_I could!!_

**_yea w/e dude_ **

_So you think most people know but Todd doesn’t??_

**_idk u see him more than i do_ **

**_but hes unobservant as shit_ **

_Actually, his detective work has been coming along very well_

**_maybe but his gaydar sucks lol_ **

_So I might have to tell him, then_

**_yea probs_ **

_Okay. I can do that_

**_hes def not homophobic or anything he wont mind it_ **

_Are you sure?_

**_totally dude_ **

**_so sure I dont even need to threaten to kick his ass_ **

_Good_

**_were you actually worried about how todd would react??_ **

Dirk swallowed. He hadn’t thought up a good enough lie yet to avoid telling Amanda precisely how Todd factored into this dilemma, but he wasn’t about to tell her the truth either.

_Not exactly?_

**_is this about ur crush?_ **

_Sort of?_

**_???_ **

**_ur being vague dude_ **

Dirk sighed. He supposed he would have to explain and just hope Amanda didn’t realise who he was talking about. So long as she didn’t, it would be fine and he definitely wouldn’t have to worry about a gang of rowdy punks destroying his apartment any time soon.

_I just don't know how to tell if he’d be interested in me, I've never actually asked anyone to date me and what if it all goes wrong?? I want him to think of me as an appealing and sexy potential partner but I'm not good at appealing, sexy or partner and I don't want him to laugh at me or things to get awkward and I do actually love him so I couldn't bear it if he stopped talking to me or anything like that. And I don't even know if he's gay, let alone how he might feel about me. And he definitely deserves someone better than me anyway because I don’t even know how to be romantic, and I know I’m strange and attract weirdness and danger and the universe might not even let me keep him around as it is. He doesn’t even know some things about me that could affect his opinion of me, and all that should mean I ignore this crush, but I think I might actually die if I stay stuck like this because I cannot stop thinking about him. He’s so wonderful, I just want to spend time with him every day and kiss him and maybe other things but that’s not a conversation I want to have with you so I won’t go into detail there. But the point is I adore him and I don’t know what to do, please help me Amanda_

**_wow u know shits serious when i gotta scroll to read ur whole message gimme a sec_ **

**_imo its a little harder when ur gay bc of the whole coming out thing but everyone has this kind of shit but like u can either guess he assumes ur gay bc most ppl who know u do or just tell him sometime like find a way to bring up some hot dude who isnt him in convos or just fucking say it_ **

**_but if u wanna focus on how to get with him u just gotta either ask and hope for the best or drop hints n hope he notices n then u can see how he reacts n then deal w everything else when u kno more about how he feels_ **

_And how exactly do you drop hints?_

**_just flirt with him n stuff_ **

_How??_

**_touch him, try to spend loads of time with him, do nice shit for him n give him bedroom eyes?_ **

_What are bedroom eyes??_

**_lol just look at him like u rlly wanna suck his dick_ **

**_should be easy since u so do_ **

_I'm not dignifying that with a response_

**_lmaooooo_ **

_This conversation is very uncomfortable_

_I want to be romantic, not just suggest I'm sexually available_

**_u want that too tho ;)_ **

_Shut up_

**_come on then_ **

**_more like cum on him looool_ **

**_but srsly tell me all about him_ **

_You're so immature_

**_says the guy with a teddy bear shaped like stitch_ **

_It is perfectly mature to have a stitch teddy!!_

_Ohana means family and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten!!_

_That’s BEAUTIFUL Amanda_

_I CRIED_

**_of course u did_ **

_And for your information, Stitch was a gift from Todd so it’s not even like I bought him myself_

_He can be so thoughtful, it’s lovely_

**_to u maybe_ **

_Still too soon?_

**_idk_ **

**_its complicated_ **

**_lol_ **

_Amanda, you can’t lol your feelings away_

**_yea i can lol_ **

**_this bitch empty_ **

**_yeet_ **

_I’m not even sure what that means_

**_its a vine lol ill link u later maybe_ **

**_but back to ur dude bc i dont wanna talk about todd rn_ **

**_whats his name??_ **

Dirk bit his lip as he looked down at the message. He still didn’t have a lie in place and he was definitely out of time.

_Don’t hurt me and don’t get your friends to hurt me_

**_dirk I swear to fucking god i will murder u just for being vague asshole just tell me jfc_ **

_What does chicken have to do with anything??_

**_wtf?????_ **

_Isn’t jfc a chicken shop?_

**_lol no thats kfc_ **

**_kentucky fried chicken_ **

**_jfc is jesus fucking christ_ **

_Or Jesus Fried Chicken?_

**_tbh id eat there_ **

**_now stop avoiding the question shitdick_ **

_Fine. I might be definitely in love with your brother_

_A lot_

He waited a minute, the three dots showing Amanda typing doing nothing to ease his anxiety. Then they disappeared altogether.

_Amanda please answer me_

**_if i murdered u for this i would not get sent all these dog pics so ur safe for now_ **

**_not saying i fully approve tho_ **

_Because I’m not good enough for Todd or because you think Todd isn’t good enough for me?_

**_todd isnt good enough for u_ **

**_u make him better but he is still an asshole_ **

**_like a nasty selfish liar asshole_ **

_He’s trying to do better_

_You know he regrets hurting you like he did_

**_yea well doesn’t change it_ **

**_he still lied n fucked our family over n just fucked up so much of my life_ **

_I know_

_But I still love him_

**_u got weird taste dude_ **

**_but tbh i kinda thought u were already banging him when i first met u_ **

**_when i didnt know how much of a dick he is i was all for it_ **

_Do you think he likes me then???_

**_idk what he thinks about u ask farah_ **

**_shes spent more time with todd recently than i have_ **

**_shes also super badass n awesome so idk why she spends time with him but still_ **

_Okay, I’ll ask her_

_Thank you, Amanda_

_And please don’t tell Todd anything_

**_i wont ur secrets safe with me_ **

**_but also if it doesnt work out ill take u to a gay bar n be ur wingwoman_ **

**_one way or another ur getting a man_ **

_I don’t want just any man, I want Todd_

**_im not gonna wingwoman for u here its too weird when the man u want is my bro_ **

**_dont rlly wanna think about u doing stuff w/ him tbh_ **

_Understandable. Thank you, Amanda xxx_

**_np dude_ **

_No kisses? :(_

**_later nerd xxx_ **

_:D_

Although it might not have gone precisely according to plan - and he may not have had a proper plan anyway - Dirk counted that conversation a success. He essentially had Amanda’s permission, which would lower the risk of future damage to his personhood later on, as well as some general advice which he could put into practice. He would be well versed in how to start and maintain a relationship by the end of the day if things kept up at this pace. He would be able to write the book on dating successfully once he’d accumulated enough advice. But for the time being, all he had were some surprisingly short notes on how to convey his interest given the length of the conversation he and Amanda had shared.

  1. Touching
  2. Spending time together
  3. Doing nice things for him
  4. Bedroom eyes



Three of them he could definitely do. And of course, the one that he was less sure of was the one that he wouldn’t do for the friends he loved, but only for the one person he was In Love with.

He also didn’t really want to ask either Farah or Amanda for more information on how exactly to give someone bedroom eyes. It would undoubtedly be excruciatingly embarrassing to ask either of them, so that was pretty much out of the question. No, he had to find out some other ways of flirting that wouldn’t be mistaken for his usual friendliness. And he still had to find out whether Todd might like him, before he tried anything too drastic.

“Dirk?”

“Hmm? Yes, Todd?” Dirk said hastily, his ears turning very pink as he realised he had been staring into space for an indeterminate length of time.

“Have you eaten yet?”

Ah. He knew he’d forgotten something. “Not exactly.”

“Not- Dirk, go get some food,” Todd sighed in (hopefully) fond exasperation. It wasn’t his fault that sometimes things like eating and sleeping slipped his mind, not really. But the fact Todd seemed more or less across Dirk’s forgetfulness made him an excellent assis-friend, and everything worked out just fine. “Proper food, not just a candy bar.”

He supposed the rest of his scheming could wait until he’d located something edible in their small kitchenette. “Alright, I’ll eat,” he agreed and got to his feet. Now that he thought about it, he really was quite hungry.

As it turned out, the universe seemed surprisingly supportive of his endeavours. Farah was sat in their makeshift dining and food preparation area with a sandwich and a book. She maintained she wasn't a full part of his detective agency, but they both knew that wasn't quite true. She was both their benefactor and a highly valued member of their team, and someone who knew an awful lot of things. She knew, for example, how to pick a lock, how to punch someone without hurting your hand, and how to get stuck toast out of the toaster without using a fork (which was apparently a bad idea, a fact which Dirk had not known). She knew that a lot of Dirk’s good ideas weren't actually good ideas. But that's beside the point. The point was she gave really excellent advice that prevented Dirk from getting too badly hurt, which was exactly what he needed.

“Ah, Farah!” he beamed as he started rooting through the cupboards for something both tasty and non-chocolate-based. “Just the woman I was hoping to see.”

“Please tell me you're not about to do something stupid and dangerous.”

“Of course not! When have I-” The expression on her face was enough to cut him off. “Okay, fair point. But this time, your combat and general bodyguarding skills aren't what I'm after. It's about… Well, it's about Todd.”

She groaned. “What's he done?”

“Nothing! I just… You talk to him, don't you? Spend time with him?”

“Yes,” she said slowly, as if anticipating a trap.

“Well, I was just wondering if he'd ever mentioned anything about his, um, feelings?”

“Dirk, Todd is the most emotionally constipated person I have ever met. He doesn't really talk about that stuff.”

Oh. Well, that didn't help at all. It wasn't a no, but the distinct lack of a yes was far from ideal.

“But don't worry!” Farah said hastily. “I'm sure he likes being around you. We all do. You're our friend, Dirk.”

He fixed a smile onto his face and nodded. “Of course. Thank you, Farah. That makes me feel much better.”

“It's no problem, but… Are you sure that's all that was bothering you?”

“Oh, definitely. Everything is fine. Really high levels of fineness here now. You know how grumpy Todd can be and I thought… Well, that was all it was.”

He thought he had done an excellent job, but Farah still seemed suspicious. Damn her and her ninja training. He'd just have to find out how Todd felt for himself.

But he still wasn't exactly sure how to do that. Farah probably knew how to flirt too, but she spoke to Todd far more than Amanda did. There was a chance she would tell him, or it would make everything horribly awkward and ruin the detective agency. No, he couldn't ask her how to flirt.

Then it hit him. There was a whole source of information available to him on the internet, even if he mostly used it for acquiring takeaways and watching videos of adorable animals. Surely there would be advice and guides on flirtation, on how to find out if Todd could ever like him. So he turned his attention to Google the moment he returned from his lunch break.

_I’m in love with my best friend_

_I’m gay and in love with my best friend_

_How do you tell if someone is gay_

_How do you ask if someone is gay without being suspicious_

_Is it appropriate to ask if your friend is gay_

_Cool leather jackets_

_Colourful cool leather jackets_

_How to know if someone likes you_

_How to know if someone loves you_

_How to know if a man loves you_

_How to stop Google thinking I’m straight every time I look something up_

_Unlikely animal friendships_

_Puppies and kittens making friends_

_How to flirt_

_How to flirt with your friend_

_How to flirt with a man_

_Why does Google still think I’m straight?_

_How to flirt when you’re gay_

 

He may have been distracted a few times and had more than a few false starts through useless searches, but in the end he had managed to add a decent amount to his list of how to flirt (along with an online purchase of a new jacket and the acquisition of a new desktop wallpaper featuring a very large dog asleep in the same bed as a very small cat).

  1. Touching
  2. Spending time together
  3. Doing nice things for him
  4. Bedroom eyes
  5. Eye contact (but not too much, don’t stare)
  6. Smiling
  7. Questions
  8. Compliments
  9. Confidence
  10. Find a way to bring up your sexuality



There was also the suggestion that he should imply or even outright say he wanted to have sex, but that seemed far less like flirting and more like outright seduction. And that wasn’t quite right, not this time. Dirk had slept with multiple men and one technically non-human God before, but that was different. The general understanding was that it was a finite affair, an encounter with a set ending to it. Even in his brief foray into what might be described as a relationship, when one shag became multiple, there was still an understanding that it wasn’t meant to last. He’d never had a proper, romantic partner to go on dates with and be in love with.

But now he had a whole list of things to try that should help him change that.

The easiest one to be sure he’d done correctly seemed to be the final point. That was definitely something he could do, and something Amanda had suggested as well, which meant it was a certified Good Idea. No time like the present, he thought as he strode over to Todd’s desk and tried to lean casually. Although he couldn’t see himself, he was pretty sure he looked effortlessly cool.

“Todd?”

“Hmm? What’s up?”

He looked so lovely. That was an idea, too. The internet had suggested compliments and that was something he could definitely do. “You look very nice, today.”

But instead of smiling, Todd narrowed his eyes. “If you’re going to try and make me do all your paperwork again, the answer’s no.”

“No, no… I wanted to tell you that I’m gay.” No sense in preamble, not really. Just say it, that’s what Amanda had suggested.

There was a momentary pause in which Todd’s face was entirely inscrutable. Then he nodded and gave Dirk a soft smile with a raised eyebrow that made him look positively adorable. “Okay. You just figured that out, or…?”

“No, no, I’ve known for a while. I just, well, I was having a conversation earlier and I realised that you might not know. And I… I wanted you to know.” Not technically lying, which was always nice. Todd still hadn’t let him live down what they collectively referred to as ‘the FBI Incident’, so he had it on good authority that lying was not one of his better skills.

“Okay,” Todd said again. “Well, that’s… Good. I’m proud of you, Dirk.”

Dirk beamed, a faint flush of pleasure warming his cheeks. He did so love it when Todd was genuinely sweet to him. “Well, it’s not exactly an achievement to be gay, but thank you anyway.”

Todd laughed softly, and the warmth inside Dirk only grew. “I meant for telling me. Thanks for, y’know, trusting me and all that.” He got to his feet and opened up his arms, gesturing for Dirk to lean in. And Dirk had never needed to be asked twice when it came to hugs. He accepted the embrace eagerly, his heart bouncing around like a delighted labrador puppy in his chest. Todd really was so lovely. He even smelled lovely, his cologne and shampoo were quickly becoming some of Dirk’s most favourite smells in the world.

All too soon, Todd pulled back and Dirk had to relinquish his grip on him, although the trailing of Todd’s hand over his back that came as the man moved away was also quite nice. That had gone excellently, really. He had achieved his goal of making sure Todd knew about his sexuality without any embarrassment and even managed to get a hug out of it. An unmitigated success to stage one. If the article he had read was as reliable as he hoped, his next move ought to be to wait and see what Todd did with this new information.

The only trouble was that Dirk Gently was not a patient man. Waiting was always excruciatingly painful, and if it wasn’t for how very Important Todd was to him, he wouldn’t have bothered. But establishing relationships was apparently an odd, partnered dance, and the next move was supposedly Todd’s. That didn’t mean it wasn’t agonising, though. Dirk was armed with plenty of new knowledge and incredibly eager to put it into practice.

“Do you wanna get pizza tonight?” Todd asked after a few moments silence in which they both pretended to work, despite the fact they were caseless and therefore had nothing of vital importance to do, so almost certainly weren’t doing anything. Things like boring number-y spreadsheets and designing and organising advertising were not of vital importance, no matter what Farah might think, and Dirk didn’t like doing them. He’d tried to delegate the lot to Todd, as his assistant, but apparently delegation did not mean ‘making someone else do the things you don’t want to do while you watch videos of otters playing’. Dirk begged to differ, but that was not an argument he was eager to have again.

“Ooh, yes please,” Dirk agreed. “And can we watch a film?”

“Sure. You still wanna get through all the Disney films?”

Dirk snorted. “Of course I do, Todd. I can’t believe I missed out on them for all these years! They’re fantastic! Well, except for Bambi, and The Fox and The Hound.” He scowled at the mere memory. “Those were just cruel, who on earth wants to watch a film so heartbreaking?”

“Some people like sad films.”

“Why, though? They just make you miserable!”

Todd shrugged. “I guess they give you an excuse to feel sad, though.”

“Well, that’s just ridiculous. I don’t want to be sad.”

“Okay, no sad movies, then.”

“Why don’t we watch Lilo and Stitch again? That was a wonderful film.” Admittedly, he had cried the first (and second, and a tiny bit the third) time he watched it, but not because it was a sad film. Or not entirely sad, anyway.

“I thought you wanted to watch the ones you haven’t seen yet?”

That was a good point. He certainly did, but he also wanted to watch Lilo and Stitch again, even if it would be the fourth time. It was lucky Todd seemed to like it too, he had watched it with Amanda when they were younger and yet was still happy to watch it again and again now Dirk wanted to.

As he thought, his brow furrowing faintly, he realised Todd was smiling at him in a way that made him look exceptionally gorgeous, a smile that he didn’t show off a lot. That just made it feel even more special when Dirk caught it on his face, though.

“We can work it out later,” Todd promised, and Dirk positively beamed.

 

The solution they came up with was perfect, really. Todd quite frankly deserved several promotions for the suggestion that they watch two films, one new and one Lilo and Stitch. It was brilliant, and Dirk really should have thought of it himself. He even brought his Stitch toy with him, just in case he fell asleep on Todd’s sofa again and wanted something to cuddle. That did happen sometimes when Dirk was plied with enough beer, pizza, blankets and comfort. And it sadly wasn’t as if he could just cuddle Todd, no matter how much he’d like to. Todd generally didn’t seem to keen on cuddling, if his mentions of ‘personal space’ were anything to go by. And yet sometimes, when they were tired or tipsy or Todd seemed to simply not be thinking, he was incredibly receptive to any affection Dirk wanted to give him and even returned it, with an arm around Dirk or a head on his shoulder. It was incredibly tantalising, especially since Dirk had realised just how much he liked Todd. If Dirk could ever be Todd’s boyfriend, no matter how unlikely that was, he would get to cuddle him and curl up with him and even sleep with him in every sense of the term. Frankly, trying not to think about it all day was a challenge. Damn Todd and his perfectly cuddle-able self.

“Hey,” Todd murmured, and Dirk looked up at him hastily.

“Hmm?”

“You okay?”

“Of course! This is lovely, why wouldn’t I be?” Dirk asked with a bright smile. Excellent acting on his part, really.

“You looked… I don’t know, far away, I guess,” Todd said sheepishly, and Dirk turned slightly pink. Damn it. Stupid Dirk, always letting his thoughts show on his face when he should be watching films.

“I'm fine, really,” Dirk insisted. “Although I wouldn't say no to another slice of pizza.”

“Then help yourself.”

“But Todd,” he whined, “then I would have to _move_. And I am very comfortable here. So comfortable, in fact, I may never be this comfortable again. If I move to get pizza, my comfort levels will never be the same again. You’ll have ended the most comfortable moment of my entire life.”

“You're so full of shit,” Todd said, but he reached out and grabbed a slice for Dirk anyway.

“Thank you, Todd.”

“Shut up.”

 

When Dirk woke up the next morning, he found himself clutching a cushion, his far too long limbs contorted to fit on Todd’s sofa and a blanket draped over his shoulders. He had definitely not fallen asleep underneath a blanket. That had to be Todd’s doing, surely. He was so sweet, underneath his punk exterior. Dirk smiled contentedly as he stretched, then immediately yelped as he tumbled off the sofa onto the floor.

There was silence for a moment as Dirk tried to collect himself, then the faint sound of footsteps. A moment later, Todd appeared in the doorway to his bedroom, his brass knuckles glinting in the morning sunlight shining in through the window.

As Todd caught sight of him on the floor, tangled in his blanket, his shoulders slumped. “Goddamnit, Dirk. The hell happened?”

“I fell off the sofa,” Dirk said. Really, that should have been obvious. No wonder Todd wasn’t a detective. If Dirk saw a man on the floor next to the sofa he had previously been sleeping on and heard a yell and a thump prior to finding him there, he would have been at least seventy percent certain that said man just fell off of said sofa.

“I was asleep, you scared the shit out of me!”

“Well, the table’s sudden proximity to my face scared the shit out of me!”

Todd shook his head and put down his weapon. “You’re an idiot,” he said, but there was no malice in his tone.

“Todd?” Dirk said, a sudden stroke of inspiration striking him.

“Yeah?”

“I think I might have a concussion. Will you check?”

“You- for fuck’s sake,” Todd groaned, but crouched down at his side and started combing his fingers through Dirk’s hair in an incredibly pleasant way. Dirk had to try not to sigh in contentment. “I don’t see any lump or anything. There’s meant to be a lump if you’re concussed, right?”

“I don’t really know.”

Todd sighed and closed his eyes for a moment, then cupped Dirk’s cheeks in his hands. It was happening! Todd was going to kiss him! “Right. Okay. Well, look at me. Can you focus your eyes?”

Or not.

He definitely could focus on Todd, though, and now he had a perfect reason to look into his gorgeously blue eyes. They really were so pretty. All of Todd was pretty, in a gruff, manly sort of way. Dirk really liked that.

“Shit, you do look kinda dazed,” Todd said, drawing him out of his happy, Todd-related reverie. “How many fingers am I holding up?”

“You know, me potentially having a concussion isn’t a good excuse to flip me off.”

“So your vision’s fine, then,” Todd said as he got to his feet. “I’m pretty sure you don’t have a concussion. Just, y’know, tell me if you start feeling… however people feel when they’re concussed.”

Maybe that plan hadn’t gone quite as perfectly as it could have done.

 

To make up for waking him, and as a way to check ‘doing nice things for him’ off his list, Dirk snuck out of the office that morning in search of coffee and food. While he really didn’t like it himself, he knew Todd had a minor coffee addiction and there were no shortage of what he referred to as ‘hipster places’ around them that sold various coffees with names that Dirk wasn’t completely sure he knew how to pronounce. But he needed to get the best coffee. That was crucial, or else ‘nice thing’ might become ‘alright thing’. And while he didn’t exactly know how to tell which place would make the best coffee, he was determined.

It had to be close enough to their office for it to still be hot when he got back, which narrowed the list down considerably. It also had to be fair trade, because the nice lady who worked in his favourite cafe (sadly too far away for optimum heat retention) had told him so. It couldn’t be from Starbucks, because Starbucks was ‘overpriced and overrated’ according to Todd (even though Dirk liked their frappuccinos more than proper coffee). That left him with six different places to choose from.

So, as he often did, Dirk let the universe guide him. He could just hope that it was on his side this time, that it wanted him to get Todd a coffee.

He ended up at a small, quiet place with bare wood tables and only a few customers. The man behind the counter smiled as Dirk walked up. He was tall and broad shouldered, with a beard and a whole arm full of tattoos, wearing a name badge that identified him as Mark. “Hey,” he said in a deep, gravelly voice. “Cool jacket.”

Dirk had opted for his favourite one, the bright yellow that was just the right weight and texture for him. “Thank you,” he beamed. He might not know much about ‘cool’, but he was pretty sure that - at least in Seattle - what was considered cool was decided by the sorts of people with tattoos who knew about coffee. And if this man thought his jacket was cool, it almost certainly was objectively so.

“So, what’ll it be, Sunshine?” Mark asked, leaning forward slightly on the counter.

“Oh, umm…” He scanned the chalkboard menu, briefly marvelling at how many options there were. “A coffee, a hot chocolate and two muffins, please?”

“What kind of coffee?”

“A caffeinated one?”

Mark laughed softly. “Not a coffee aficionado, huh?”

“Not at all. I don’t actually like it much, it’s for my friend.”

“So I’m guessing the hot chocolate is yours then? You got a sweet tooth?”

“Well, yes. Although I’ve never quite understood that expression. If my teeth tasted sweet, I wouldn’t need to eat anything sugary at all. I’d probably get sick of it, in fact.”

Another laugh. “Ah, you got a point there. So, a nice and sweet hot chocolate for you, and some kinda caffeine for your friend.”

“He likes… I think it’s a cappuccino? Or maybe it’s that one beginning with m?”

“Mocha or macchiato?”

“The second one?” Why was coffee so confusing? Stupid drink. All he wanted to do was get Todd something nice.

“I can do that,” Mark said, and Dirk smiled.

 

When he got back to the office, Dirk felt positively excellent. Todd was sure to appreciate this, and by extension, see Dirk as an ideal and considerate potential partner. But more importantly than that, it would make Todd smile.

“Todd! I have coffee,” he announced as he bounced through their door - with his name on, a fact that still put a smile on his face every time he saw it - and into the office.

“Oh, you’re brilliant,” Todd sighed, offering him a soft smile that made Dirk’s heart flutter.

“And I brought some muffins!” He pulled one out of the bag, and with it came a napkin with a sharpie scrawl across one side. A string of numbers, and a few slanted words: _I like sweet things too x_

“Is that a phone number?” Todd asked with a barely concealed grin.

“It certainly could be,” he agreed. “Excellent detective work, Todd.”

“Was the barista hitting on you?”

Dirk frowned faintly as he tried to remember. Mark had been nice, yes, but Dirk had assumed he was just doing his job. “I don't exactly one hundred percent know,” he said slowly.

“You’re ridiculous,” Todd teased. “Well, you’re not gonna call her, so I guess it doesn’t matter.”

“Him, actually.”

“Huh. So… Are you gonna call him?” he asked with an expression that Dirk couldn’t quite decipher.

He hadn’t thought about that. As nice as Mark was, he wasn’t Todd. And Dirk really liked Todd. “I don’t think so,” he said eventually, and Todd nodded.

“Okay. Good. I mean, if you don’t want to, that's good that you don’t, y’know… feel pressured or anything.”

Dirk wasn’t sure he fully understood, but he smiled anyway. “Thank you, Todd.”

 

As much as Dirk wanted to spend all his time on his Flirting Plans, the universe had other ideas. Not that he really minded. Having a case was quite a nice way to spend his time, especially when it was a case that didn’t involve getting shot at. Those cases were the best cases. This particular case involved a series of possibly sentient lawn ornaments which Todd had taken a particular disliking to within moments of laying eyes on them.

“We should just burn them and get it over with,” he announced after what felt like an hour - but was somehow only five minutes - of observation. “Why does she need this many creepy things in her garden anyway?”

“They’re not that bad.”

“They’re weird looking enough when I’m sure they’re just statues.”

“Alright, they do look strange. But what if they are alive? We don’t just go around burning people who look creepy,” Dirk said.

“You kind of do.”

“That was an accident! And technically, it was the pair of us that set fire to his house.”

“Nah, that was all you, asshole. I didn’t even want to be there.”

“All the more motive for you to burn it down, then.”

“That’s not-” Todd began, then shook his head. Even an exasperated Todd was a very pretty Todd. Honestly, Dirk was lucky to even be around him. He wondered what it would be like to kiss the spot between his eyebrows that furrowed so adorably when he was concentrating or frustrated, or to nuzzle against the sharp lines of his jaw. With any luck, they could wrap this case up quickly and he could get back to his own personal project of ticking off all the items on his list and letting Todd know he would be very much interested in having something a little more relationship-y than their current situation. So far, it didn’t seem like he’d made any progress whatsoever on that front.

“Wait, did that gnome just move?” Todd asked, and Dirk had to pull his eyes away from him to look. He narrowed his eyes as he scanned the array of lawn ornaments, looking for the difference.

“I don’t know. I didn’t see it.”

“You’re shitting me,” Todd groaned. “Right. I can’t do this or I will literally go insane, I’m setting up a goddamn camera to watch these fucks for us.”

“Excellent idea, Todd!” Dirk beamed. He was so brilliant, thinking up plans that meant Dirk didn’t have to sit around and stare at some weird statues all day. And hopefully, he’d appreciate the compliment too. Although actually, it might have been nice to stick around if Todd was staring at the statues and he got to stare at Todd.

“Yeah, whatever,” Todd said, but a slight smile played around his wonderfully kissable lips all the same. If only he could close the distance between them, feel Todd’s lips against his, even if it was only for the briefest of moments. But he couldn’t, he wouldn’t, and before he could think about it much longer, Todd was already turning away.

 

Enough time with Todd had already taught Dirk that size was no indicator of power. Todd was - in the best possible way - a short-arse, but he was still perfectly capable of bringing down a much taller, broader man. Which was why it wasn’t that much of a surprise when a bunch of garden gnomes, a few gargoyles and pair of lawn flamingo were rather efficient in attacking them both.

Dirk shrieked in what he dimly hoped was a very manly, brave way as a porcelain fist connected hard with his jaw and a pair of very sharp teeth dug into his leg. Six other gnomes were pinning him down, kicking and hitting hard. He closed his mouth just a fraction of a second before a cold, fizzing liquid was poured over his face. It smelled sweet, like pure carbonated syrup, and burned his skin wherever it touched, so much so that it was all he could do not to scream. He flailed, but the flamingo stamped down on his stomach and the gnomes held tight. He couldn’t help it. His mouth opened as he cried out in pain, and he couldn’t stop the mystery liquid running into his mouth. It tasted far too bitter for something that smelled so sweet, hurt his mouth as he fought not to swallow, his eyes squeezed shut.

“Fuck. You. Ass. Holes!” He could hear Todd’s voice punctuated with cracks like breaking china. “Fuck! You!”

Dirk opened his eyes to see Todd lashing out, his brass knuckles smashing without mercy. Bits of gnome went flying and Dirk had to close his eyes again to avoid getting shards in his eyes. But he renewed his struggles blindly, and pulled free of the remaining gnomes’ grips, free enough to spit out the potion out onto the pavement. He flailed wildly and just about managed to connect with plastic and porcelain alike. It wasn’t nearly as effective as Todd’s technique - there were no satisfying crunches from his beating attempts and he missed more often than not - but it did at least keep them at bay while Todd smashed them, hitting and throwing them as hard as he could until they were surrounded by broken shards and Todd’s chest was heaving from exertion, his hair sticking to his forehead with sweat. And while it was very much not the time for this kind of thing, Dirk couldn’t help noticing how gorgeous he looked.

He really was well and truly in love with Todd Brotzman.

“Dirk? You okay?” Todd asked, and Dirk had to draw his eyes and his mind back to their present situation.

“I think so,” he said as he pulled himself to his feet, wincing slightly. He would definitely have some bruises, and not in a fun way. He wiped his mouth, the remnants of the burning liquid transferring onto his hand, purple and sparkly. In all honesty, if he’d been presented it as a cocktail, he would probably have tried to drink it with no need for coercion. Sentient lawn ornaments really weren’t as cunning as they could be. “You were _amazing_ , Todd. Really excellent.”

“I knew we should have burned those creepy little assholes. Did you swallow any of that weird shit?” he asked with a worried frown.

“I don’t think so?”

Todd stepped in close to him, and for a wild moment, Dirk thought he really was going to kiss him this time. That was what happened in films, when a dashing hero saved their love interest. But this wasn’t a film.

“You should probably throw up, just in case,” he said as he patted Dirk on the shoulder.

Definitely not conductive to any potential kissing.

 

Now that case was wrapped up with minimal injuries, Dirk was free to return to his planning. Or, more accurately, his pining. He had been trying to follow his list as well as he could, although some points still remained a challenge and a mystery. Most of his past experience had consisted very much of him being pursued, not the other way around. It was easy to just say yes or no, or to ask a direct question to clarify matters, when a relative stranger approached you in a public space. There was nothing to lose there. This was much more terrifying. But he supposed he could try and adapt a situation he knew to fit his needs here.

“We should get a drink,” Dirk announced once they were back in the office and back in clean clothing.

“We- what?” Todd asked.

“We should get a drink,” he repeated. “To celebrate, we solved the case!”

“We smashed up some lawn ornaments, I’m not sure that counts.”

“True, but we found out that they were in fact sentient and also definitely evil.”

Todd snorted a laugh. “Alright, and I guess we did still get paid, even after the cost of the damage.”

This really was an excellent idea.

 

It was not, in fact, an excellent idea.

Dirk had forgotten one important fact about himself, and that fact was that he could not, under any circumstances, drink wine. It seemed awfully sophisticated when the option presented itself, and it was definitely a better tasting option to the horrible beer, but it was much, much better at making him drunk than it had any right to be.

All he really knew was that everything was just very funny, and he wasn’t sure why, and that gravity and his own body seemed to be conspiring against him. He told Todd as much, but his reaction was hardly sympathetic. If anything, he seemed to be laughing at him. But of course, since he had such a nice, infectious laugh, Dirk ended up giggling some more.

“You’re so drunk, you’re such a lightweight,” Todd teased.

“How would you know? You’ve never picked me up!” he retorted.

Todd laughed again, and the sound was so lovely that Dirk imagined that a newborn puppy must have just been brought into the world. “I’m not carrying you home.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

“Possibly could, definitely won’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’re a grown man, and I want to be able to record you staggering around like a baby giraffe!”

Dirk did his best to look affronted. “Don’t you want to carry me back to my bed like a gentleman?”

“No way. And even if I did, you’d be getting dumped on the couch, asshole.”

“Thor carried me _and_ let me sleep in his bed. Although actually, it might have been my bed. I don’t entirely remember.”

“Wait…” Todd frowned as if he was deep in thought for a moment. “Did you sleep with Thor?”

“Well, I wasn’t going to make him sleep on the sofa when there was room for both of us, Todd.”

“No, I mean… Did you, y’know- screw him?”

“Yes. Well, no. But yes.”

“What?”

“I did, but not that night. I was far too drunk. Never, and I mean _never_ -” he fixed Todd with the most serious stare he could muster, “go drinking with a God. Their tolerance is _ridiculous_.”

Todd, however, didn’t seem to be listening to this incredibly important advice. “I thought you said Thor wasn’t that attractive?”

“Well, not as much as people say, and his ego certainly didn’t need inflating,” he said with a shrug, taking another drink.

“But you still slept with him,” Todd said with an unreadable expression.

This wasn’t how it was supposed to be, talking about another man and having Todd look at him like that. Maybe Todd really wasn’t interested in him, and he was trying to ignore anything Dirk did to suggest he might be. Or maybe Todd thought that he was still interested in Thor! That could be it.

“I did. But I doubt I would again, not when I’m-” He stopped. He couldn’t say it, not if it could ruin everything. “Things have changed since then. It was a while ago.”

“Only you could have an actual God for an ex,” Todd said after a moment of silence that Dirk knew meant something, even if he didn’t know what. Dirk just smiled. Life was just like that sometimes.

“I’m sure you could too, if you met one.”

Todd snorted. “Yeah, right.”

“You could!” Dirk insisted. “Apparently quite a few of them are up for it with a human.”

“Yeah, and they’re all lining up for a thirty year old asshole with a rare nerve disease.”

“Well, why wouldn’t they?” he asked. If Todd had been around when Dirk had met Thor, it would have been an easy choice to decide which one of them he’d want to bed. And Dirk was confident it wouldn’t have been him, at least not based on looks alone.

Todd just shook his head. “In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not exactly fending off potential dates.”

“Gnomes, maybe,” Dirk said with a little giggle.  “But neither am I.”

“Yeah, but you’re fully gay so it’s harder, and you literally got asked out three days ago.”

There was that look again. Dirk had decided he didn’t like that look.

“Stop doing that.”

“Stop doing what?”

“That thing with your face.”

“What thing with my face?”

“You’re looking at me weirdly.”

Todd seemed to flush faintly and averted his eyes from Dirk’s face entirely. “No, I’m not.”

“You were!” Dirk insisted, and although the room was swaying, he leant forward with his best ‘Serious Detective’ face on. “You looked at me like that when I mentioned Thor too. And the other day, when Mark gave me his phone number.” It had to mean something. It had to be connected. But before he could work out what that something was, Todd was standing up.

“I’m not doing this here, Dirk. I’m sorry, I’m just- I can’t do this now.”

And with that, he was gone and Dirk was left with half a glass of wine and a horrible feeling in his stomach.

The only thing all three of those instances had in common was that each time, Dirk had been talking about being with men. Todd’s opinion on him must have changed, that was the only explanation. Despite what he’d said, Todd didn’t like thinking about Dirk doing anything gay.

He picked up his phone and stared at it for a moment. The selfie with Todd, Farah, Hobbs and Tina remained his lock screen, but he didn’t smile at it. How could he, when Todd had as good as said he was completely straight and didn’t even want to think about Dirk having a boyfriend, let alone being his boyfriend? He sniffed and blinked, trying not to cry in front of so many people.

 

Todd was avoiding him. He would barely even look at him - let alone talk to him - when he finally arrived at the office the next morning. Dirk emphatically did not have a little cry in the bathroom, because that would have been ridiculous. If he came out with red rimmed eyes, that was simply a sudden onset of allergies.

“Dirk,” Farah hissed, cornering him almost immediately. “What the hell happened?”

“Well, I wasn’t crying,” he said, like an expert liar.

Farah raised her eyebrows.

“I may have been crying,” he amended under her far too expert gaze.

“You’re crying in the bathroom and Todd’s broken two pens and a cabinet door, and he keeps leaving the room every time you come in. It doesn’t take a detective to work out something’s happened.”

Dirk blinked at her. He considered lying again, but she always seemed to know when he did that. “I don’t want to talk about it,” he said and strode away before Farah could even reply.

 

He missed Todd.

Todd may have still been there physically, but there was an emptiness, an invisible wall between them, and Dirk hated it. If he had a time machine again, maybe he could find a way to go back and fix things, but he didn’t and he wasn’t completely sure he was ready to be involved in more time travel-y cases unless the universe forced him to. He had been shot with an arrow last time, after all. That had been particularly painful.

But this feeling was painful too. He knew he should be angry with Todd but he couldn’t quite bring himself to do it. Nor could he bring himself to stop thinking about him, even with the guilt he now held in his heart every time he imagined kissing him or touching him. Todd had made it clear enough he wouldn’t be interested, and that should have been the end of it. Only feelings didn’t seem to work like that.

 

He was asleep when his phone buzzed, the screen lighting up on his bedside table. He’d been keeping a nightlight on ever since his latest imprisonment in Blackwing so needed little time to adjust to it as he sat up and swiped to unlock it, his still half-asleep brain failing to realise who the messages were from until it was already opened.

**_Hey, I’m sorry for running off on you like that before. It wasn’t cool_ **

Well, he was right about that. In a wave, the bitter angry feelings he should have been feeling all along swept over him and his thumb was typing before his brain could give full consent.

_No, it wasn’t. I thought you were fine with it_

_I won’t talk about it again if it bothers you, though_

He closed the conversation and turned his phone off before he could read Todd’s reply. It wasn’t fair, none of this was fair when Amanda had assured him that this kind of thing wouldn’t happen, when Todd had acted supportive to begin with. He’d even let himself think that Todd might feel the same way. Stupid, stupid Dirk.

He laid back down, tears welling in his eyes, but couldn’t get back to sleep.

 

He must have dozed off at some point though, since he woke up to sunlight streaming in a pounding noise that made him think for one wild moment that he was back in Blackwing. But this was his room, in his apartment, and he was safe. Or as safe as it was possible for him to be at any given moment.

“Dirk! Dirk, are you in there?” It was Todd and for a moment, Dirk felt the delight swell up inside him, until it popped like a bubble when he remembered what had happened.

“No,” he called in response, then immediately realised his mistake.

“Dirk, please talk to me!”

Saying no to Todd was so difficult, and he really did miss him. So Dirk swung his legs out of bed and over to the locked door. He pulled it open and looked down at Todd with the most serious expression he could muster (which in hindsight probably wasn’t that serious, considering he was wearing nothing but a tank top and a pair of pink boxers). “What, Todd?” he asked impatiently when the man in front of him said nothing.

“I’m sorry,” he said eventually. “I… I never wanted to mess things up between us. I was being dumb and jealous and-”

“Oh!” Dirk’s mouth fell open in sheer horror. Todd was _jealous_. He wasn’t upset that Dirk had been with men, he was upset because he was single and Dirk had been sat there talking about relationships and people hitting on him! “It’s my fault, I misunderstood.”

“You- really?”

“I thought- Well, it doesn’t matter. I know now.”

“You do?” Christ, Todd looked so cute. As much as it would be a nice, friendly thing to do to help him find a girlfriend, the idea of doing so gave him a nasty feeling in his stomach that he didn’t like at all.

“I do. I’m so sorry, Todd.”

“You don’t have to be sorry.”

“I was rude last night, and I didn’t notice how you felt. But now I know, I… I don’t mind it.” He did, but he didn’t want Todd to know that. Not when he wanted them to stay friends. There was no way he would have another repeat of the past day, even if that meant that he had to support Todd getting together with someone else.

Todd laughed softly. “You’re an idiot. I mean, I thought I’d been pretty obvious by now.”

Dirk disagreed, but the last thing he wanted was to start arguing again. But before he could even say anything, Todd leant upwards and kissed him.

It was only a brief peck, but that was the end of Dirk’s brain. Bye-bye cognitive function. Logic? Out. Reason? Out. Any kind of processing reality? Definitely out. This had to be a dream.

“Oh,” Dirk said softly when his brain started to reboot itself. Dimly, he felt his hand come up to his lips, but had no recollection of a conscious choice to touch where Todd had just kissed him. Did friends kiss each other on the lips like that? He didn’t think so. “Todd?”

“Was that too much?” he asked, suddenly frowning again. “I’m sorry, I should have asked if you wanted to first, I thought-”

“Yes. I mean no. I mean- No it wasn’t too much. Yes I wanted to.” Dirk was still in some faraway, floaty realm where this could possibly be part of a dream, but dream Dirk would have to be mad to object to a kiss from Todd. “I just- You kissed me.”

Todd laughed softly. “Yeah. Yeah, I did.”

“Why?”

“What do you mean, why?”

“I mean why? Why did you kiss me?” he blurted out. “You’re not even interested in me!”

Todd stared at him. “What? Of course I am! We were literally just talking about it!”

Now it was Dirk’s turn to stare. He’d seen a lot of things that didn’t make sense in his lifetime, but this was definitely up there. Maybe he had a clone somewhere who’d been having secret conversations with Todd behind his back. “We were? When?”

“Literally a minute ago. What did you think we were talking about?”

“You being jealous of me.”

Todd laughed. And laughed. And laughed. It was a little hard not to feel put out by this, what with being the object of all this ridicule. Even if Todd did have a lovely laugh. “Oh, my God,” he said when he finally managed to stop laughing, wiping his eyes on his jacket sleeve. “I was never jealous of _you_. I was jealous of Thor and that barista guy and literally every other guy you’ve ever been with.”

“So you _like_ me?” Dirk asked. “Me, as in me?”

“Yes, you moron,” Todd said as he pulled Dirk into a wonderfully tight hug. “I like you.”

“I like you too,” Dirk murmured.

 

The journey to that point might not have gone exactly as he’d envisioned, but when Dirk Gently went into work that morning, he went in holding hands with Todd Brotzman and beaming from ear to ear.

**Author's Note:**

> If you've made it to this point, congratulations on wading through all of this indulgent and hopefully entertaining mess. Leave a comment if you want this series to continue with Dirk working out how to relationship or want Amanda to text you pictures of dogs and old memes.


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